To the kid in the corner trapped in the shadows of doubt

To the kid in the corner trapped in the shadows of doubt crack#

With work, it is and always will be an evolution. She will have none of it and will call you out the second your gaze lasts too long or your snickers are caught by her ear. My wife feels protective whenever we are in public and something happens. However, it still punctures my heart a little each time it happens. When alone, I smile, stay kind, and push through, believing that attacking back gives them fuel for their hatred of people like me but showing kindness back might just open their hearts. So, the stares, the comments as I walk by, the sneers, and the attacks still come my way from time to time. With my short hair and masculine choice of clothes, I was identified a mile away. But mostly, she also became my fiercest protector. She gave me courage to open myself to who I was. She was attracted to me! She was proud to be with me. When I met my wife, it really opened my world of belonging and love. I have worked most of my adult life to find that PRIDE and be true to me. Having PRIDE in who you are, as a LGBTQ+ person, takes time for most. I had to deal with fear of rejection, identity crisis of what kind of lesbian I was and with social media where so many from high school seemed to just want to prove, вЂњI KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WERE GAY!вЂќ Congrats. Now she lives close to me, is the godmother to my kids, and the best friend everyone deserves. I met my other best friend 20yrs ago and when I did, I lied to her and said I had a husband until I felt safe. Every time I meet someone, I must come out again. Over the years I have continued this journey. I started to realize there was nothing wrong with me and I felt truly alive after years of hiding my true self. I started to gain confidence in who I was. Overall, my support system was established. My Gramma, as a Jehovah Witness, struggled but never stopped loving me and to this day I am PROUDLY still Grammas little girl. Two loved me through it, one refused to accept me (still to this day) and one has shown support but also used it as an attack when useful. My sister loved me and harassed me about it in a sisterly way to laugh and move forward. She has saved me more times than I can count. 25yrs later and 2000 miles apart, she remains as integral part of my life as she did then. Months later she would also be the first person to sit in the middle of the street hugging me while I collapsed and grieved my dadвЂ™s passing. When I told her, her only concern was that I did not tell her earlier so she could have loved me through it. You feel like it is you, alone, and everyone is outside it with fingers pointed at you. There was zero reasoning for thinking she would but life in a closet is suffocating and self-deprecating. I figured if she did not accept me, I could just run. I was, consumed with worry that she would reject our friendship. We were stopped at a light, and I just said it out loud. I told my best friend while walking down the street. My mom struggled to truly accept me, and we went a lot of time not talking much at first but over the years she has evolved and is now my one of my biggest supporters. That ended abruptly 3 months later when he died of a heart attack in my arms at 44.

To the kid in the corner trapped in the shadows of doubt crack#

I started that crack in the door with telling my dad. The term вЂњin the closetвЂќ is the best metaphor in that, you stay trapped in this box of вЂњnormalвЂќ with small glimpses of light as you slowly crack that door to be yourself, when deemed safe, until one day you canвЂ™t breathe any longer in that closet and you throw that door open and realize you donвЂ™t want other peopleвЂ™s normal you want to live YOUR normal. The juxtaposition of feeling so free, while also being so scared at the same time is something so many have experienced yet no one wishes to feel. Would my parents still love me? Would my best friend still consider me such? Would my siblings support me? Would I still be GrammaвЂ™s baby girl? It was TERRIFYING to think their feelings about me would change for something out of my control.

The day I finally admitted to myself that I was a lesbian was a day of FREEDOM. It never occurred to me that my teenage feelings of loneliness or not belonging had a reason. Decades later, most people assume that these archaic beliefs are in the past but for so many living around the world it is still the present. Being their authentic selves was against the law and punishable by fines, jail, beatings and in too many cases, death. Community Guest Post by Nichole PritchardДЇor decades, the LGBTQ+ community has lived in the shadows often leading a double life вЂ“ pretending to be straight to maintain their jobs and community ties and only safe to be themselves with their close-knit group of friends and family.